Ernie Thayer

In the wee hours of last night I was confronted once again, as happened several times past, with all the thinking in me that insists, suggests or demands that I am insufficient, wrong, lazy and self-deceived. My mind threw up at me all the past events where someone disapproved of me, found me wanting or even hated me. From my father on down the years till now. I can’t say what may have occasioned this, but there it was, forcefully demanding my attention, after I woke to go pee. There was a short time where I tried to justify or explain myself, but soon realized this too was part of the same old pattern. This has arisen before (and may again) because it is such a big part of “Ernie’s” nature – to doubt himself and wonder about his worth. I know I am not alone in this…

Unlike earlier in my life, where this doubt would creep into all my relationships and was triggered by all sorts of situations, this was just a raw, unencumbered assault, having and needing no special provocation. And, fortunately or not, I was at it’s mercy because it was, after all, the middle of the night! I was alone and no distractions were easily available. Even my little dog Tilly slept through it all. So I did the only thing left to me, I hung out with it. I let it have it’s say, allowed my body to ache with the messages, but did not interfere, justify, identify with it or resist. In the process, I realized afresh that what I truly am was hanging out with what I had identified with for so long. Nothing urgent was happening, no crisis. It went on for a good long time before I fell asleep again and woke to realize that the thing was over. I even felt refreshed if not rested.

For me, events like this are astounding because they plainly make the point about us that we are not who we think we are, no matter the strength of belief that insists otherwise. These are deeply embedded core beliefs about ‘myself’ and I can often feel their presence as I go about my day. They must’ve believed they could arrest my identity once more, though happily on this occasion, they failed to do so.

What a gift.