Ernie Thayer

Well, I have the unfortunate chore of having back surgery tomorrow for a congenital narrowing of my spinal canal – they’ll basically go in and make elbow room for the nerves in my lower back. I’m reflecting on what it means, and doesn’t mean to me. My dear Holly has recovered from a broken back 6 months ago; now it’s my turn! At least we don’t have to do them both at once!

I’ve been struck by how little concern I’ve had about it. I have been more concerned about the effects on my legs and feet because of the problem than about having them addressed surgically. I have noticed how much suddenly I appreciate my body and the way it heals itself and supports my life here. I feel so grateful to live in here, in this lovely vessel I’ve been permitted to exist in and express with. It’s become okay that it hurts some, is older and not so pretty, and needs more attention than before. I want to let it be however it is. I owe it more affection and care than I’ve given it over it’s life. With help from loved ones, I’m a little better at it than I once was. Here’s where improvement has a place! And thank god for those like my surgeon and staff who’ve made a life-choice to intervene expertly when it falters.

It astounds me that I’ve taken it so for granted for most of my life, and abused it so often. What a rich, intelligent friend it has been. It deserves great honor. I hadn’t really seen this so clearly before, how much I really love this body of mine. I’ve lost (maybe permanently) some sensation in my feet and it is so sad how little I valued those nerves and their apprehension of the earth I walk on. I hope they return. I will appreciate them so much more. A small loss, but huge love. And it is the love I feel so immensely grateful for, whatever happens in surgery…