Ernie Thayer

I was chatting with a friend about how it is that sometimes we are quite aware of things, watchful and scanning, yet not really awake to what is really going on inside us. Often people who’ve suffered trauma, especially as children, are extremely watchful of their environment to keep them safe. This allowed us to take note of something significant: when attention is squeezed down into someone’s psychological concerns, it becomes vigilance. When there’s vigilance, we see only from the emotional concern we carry. We’re watching from fear. We’re anxious. And we behave as dictated by our vigilance. Attention is present, but held captive by our psychology and contaminated by it. This fact is hidden from wider attention by our fearful concerns. It’s the same essential watchfulness, only caught in the personal.

Can I be fully aware of what is going on? Take a simple example. Suppose I’m vigilant about dogs because I was bitten by one as a kid. I’m watchful so I don’t get bitten again. It happened once; dogs can’t all be trusted; I need to be careful. (unfortunately, this makes dogs more likely to bite). I’m vigilant for the presence of dogs, and aware that I am. But can I be even more deeply aware? Can I recognize that the movement of my past experience is dictating my reactions to life? It’s appropriate to be careful of course. Most of us were taught to take care with animals because some of them are dangerous. Is there something else to see here?

What is accessible to broader attention is the whole movement of thought. I can see stored experience reacting in the moment and coloring (even creating) my experience in the present. So what? Well, I can see this is happening on a large scale in my life, often in situations that are only “psychologically” threatening. I may be scared in situations not really dangerous. And fear is itself dangerous to my well-being when it isn’t warranted. Paying attention this way can expose an entire mode of human experience that causes great pain and suffering in my life and in the world.

For example, my own past: I came out of my childhood essentially ashamed of myself. I wanted to be a good guy, somebody okay, but I wasn’t really sure. Family and religion left me in some serious doubt. So I was vigilant…and I wound up being a lawyer, husband, father, trying to be a ‘good guy’, doing what I thought was expected of me, then drank because I didn’t really want to live that way, felt guilty about that, and tried all manner of escape to deal with the enormous strain of it all. I wound up a miserable drunk, hurting myself and everyone around me. It’s a wonder I didn’t die. Same phenomenon as the dog bite scenario, only far more destructive. So much for vigilance.